It's in our nature to heal; read about my recent well-being experience at Tallis Wood...

Tallis Wood Wellbeing Course

Facilitated by Agnes Ashbell and Eleanor Brown

Provided by ARC (Achieving Results in Communities)

ARC supports people to access and engage with the outdoors for their mental and physical health and wellbeing.

https://arccic.co.uk/ 

Lying back in my bed after a full day of housework and caring for my children, I am brought to tears as memories from the Tallis Wood program land in my mind.

I had a great feeling about this program before I’d even arrived. The program was advertised as a well-being program held in nature. Since going through the abuse, I have struggled with getting out into nature on my own. It is often said that going out into nature can benefit our mental health, but with CPTSD (despite copious amounts of therapy and EMDR), going out into nature alone meant seeing flashbacks and images of someone jumping out of the bush and harming me.  I would be haunted by these images until I got home, which would then put me off going outside again for a long time. I’d been acknowledging this issue for a while and was hoping to come across a supportive way for me to get outdoors, so when I saw the poster for Tallis Wood, I was immensely excited and signed up straight away. I also want to acknowledge here that many people in this day and age struggle to get out into nature despite feeling like we know it’s good for us, and local nature or walking groups can be a great antidote to this.

I called my friend on loudspeaker as I drove to Tallis Wood. I shared with her my nerves about the course “I hope it’s not another program where we’re seen as labels and where there’s a lack of trauma informed care, I don’t want to be labelled as a mentally ill person, I want to be in a space where I can discuss my recovery process through the lens in which I understand it, through trauma informed language, nature, art and my connection with spirituality”.

It became apparent to me in 2016/2017 that I was in some sort of addiction. I had temporarily escaped back to my parents from the abusive cult leader/self-proclaimed Guru. I was in my parents' lounge whilst they were at work, watching videos of Gabor Maté talking. Whilst the world around me seemed furious that I kept going back to the abuse, Gabor Maté offered a different perspective. His saying was “it’s not why the addiction; it’s why the pain”. He spoke about how we shouldn’t be asking why people are addicted, but instead, what is the pain the addicts are escaping from or trying to self-soothe?

The anger of everyone around me made me shut down to their voices, I couldn’t really hear what they were saying; all I could hear was the energy of “You’re an idiot, you don’t know how to make good choices”, which actually played into the abuser's hold over me because he promised to know what was best for me. Something my family and friends were saying did get through to me, though; something in me was clocking that I was stuck in something addictive, even though it was still years before I was able to leave the cult relationship. It was through Gabor Maté that I learnt about the need for emotional attunement and a sense of belonging, and I started to gradually understand some of the needs that the cult relationship was meeting in me, and how although he was causing immense pain, he was also temporarily soothing intense emotional pain.

Before Tallis Wood I had experienced lots of different forms of therapeutic support. In 2017 I was placed in refuge and received counselling. In 2019, I was placed in a parenting assessment unit with my two infant children, where I received counselling, DBT and group psychotherapy. During 2019-2020, I received bespoke 1-1 trauma-informed domestic violence recovery sessions and therapy. I have studied courses, attended talks, read parts of books, listened to podcasts, audiobooks and watched YouTube videos about trauma for years and soaked in a lot of information about trauma from experts such as Gabor Maté, Bessel van der Kolk, and Peter Levine as well as journaling and deeply reflecting on my own trauma in peer support groups and friendships. The understanding I have gained about trauma, somatic healing and the need for social change if we want real worldwide wellness is not often taught, in depth, on any mainstream medical, social work or community work curricula as of yet, that I know of. For a long time, people like Gabor Maté have been advocating for the effects of trauma and the need for trauma-informed care to be acknowledged by mainstream education systems.

 I therefore have to hope that the people who are leading groups in recovery have done their own research into trauma and addiction, as current training alone or going off of one’s own lived experience of trauma does not generally give people enough knowledge on trauma for me to feel like I can be understood in my understanding of myself, my experiences and the world around us. I very much need embodied trauma-informed care. Practitioners who have not only studied trauma but also have embodied the teachings, which to me means self-reflecting on personal experiences of trauma/addiction (which we all have within this colonial oppressive society) and who have spent time and energy tending to their own wounds and know the grit it takes to deeply visit your whole self and work on consciously rewiring the mind and resculpting nervous systems that are programmed for chronic stress and shut down leaving us volatile and neglectful towards ourselves and the world around us. The community practitioners that have done this amount of self-study and practice, in my opinion, should be valued like doctors, for they are doctors of the heart, mind and soul. In this society, they are a rarely paid much more than minimum wage, which reflects a lot on the priorities of this society. Like many, I am in need of discussing my healing journey as oppose to being told or advised by people who have not walked in my shoes and don’t understand enough to be advising me. The mental health/social work system can often feel like an imbalance of power of “I have the qualifications to know what you need, so you need to take this diagnosis and take this medication”. Because of this historic and current imbalance of power, many people still feel, understandably, afraid of the mental health system or dubious of the support they offer. In spiritual self-development frameworks, it is said that you can’t hold someone’s hand through a fire you haven’t yet walked through within yourself. This points to the inward traumas people need to have faced within themselves first before they can help others face theirs. Furthermore, we need to be supported by people who have an acknowledgement of how our current circumstances keep us states of fight/flight activation. Someone who doesn’t acknowledge the racism that still exists and affects people today will be of no healing help to someone traumatised by cultural trauma and systemic racism. Someone who doesn’t acknowledge how poverty and misogyny still exist affects people today will be of no healing help to someone traumatised by current misogyny or poverty.

On my recent trauma-informed yoga foundation, I learnt about the importance of facilitators taking account their unconscious bias. We have all been raised in a society seething with discrimination. Lacking awareness of this as innocent children means the discrimination is in some way indoctrinated into all of us. In order to show up as our most supportive selves we must be willing to study how unconscious bias may be affecting how we treat and perceive the people around us, that, through ongoing colonialism, have been raised in ancestral and present-day discrimination, and be accountable for our part in the change in our own contribution to this issue.

Nine years later from that first meeting with Gabor Maté’s talks, I’m walking up the path, feeling both excited and daunted, towards a circle of people sitting around a fire within the clearing amongst woodland. Eleanor saw me coming up, and in our brief exchange, I felt something start to settle in me. Sitting around the glorious fire in the middle of us, my anxiety was pretty high. The heat of the fire was uncomfortably hot, the burning wood was glowing in a way that felt threatening and my body kept twitching nervously. I knew I wanted to be here. I was a bit annoyed at myself for feeling so overwhelmed. I knew I loved an open fire, so it irritated me that I was feeling so overwhelmed by it.

As Aggie began to talk, a spark lit up within me. Aggie and Eleanor introduced themselves and the program we were being invited to embark on. They were down-to-earth. They had honed a skill of leading a group without pedestalling themselves into a hierarchy. There were no lanyards or formal wear. We were in the forest. We were a pack of humans re-learning how to survive a world that nearly killed us, and we were all in that together.  Throughout the course, the facilitators shared a variety of trauma-informed, therapeutic, nature and season/cycle-oriented activities and tools with us as we processed some of our experiences from childhood, adolescence and adulthood and how they may have affected our sense of self. In contrast to other professionals in this field it certainly didn’t feel like they’d just walked out of university or a training program, thinking that’s what it took to support deeply traumatized people. It also didn’t feel like they were purely relying on their lived experience of trauma to feel ready to hold the circle, although they shared enough vulnerability for us to know that they had been through and were still experiencing their own personal struggles in life. They made it very clear that they were not the ‘fixed’ or ‘healed’ with all the ‘answers’ but that they had some tools and activities to share that we may or may not find useful and may or may not want to join in with. Everything was always optional. Those of us who experienced neurodivergent traits were encouraged to do what we needed to feel comfortable. That sometimes meant people stepped away from the group, some people went quiet, some of us spoke a lot. With the sense of freedom and choice there was also clear structure and boundaries. There was dedicated time for quiet, dedicated time for play, and dedicated time for each part of the program, but there was always a way out if needed. There were blankets to wrap round you if you felt the chill and hot teas and coffees, including herbal and decaf options as well as fruit and biscuits.

I have never been on a course where I felt so safe to explore the way trauma and neurodivergence has affected my life and how I show up socially. I have never been in a group setting that felt so safe to unmask. This is what brought me to tears as to why I started to write this blog. This course, along with all the other self-care and development work I’ve been doing, gave space for something within me to settle. It helped me reconnect back to myself. My needs. Who I am. It supported me in grounding into the present and to feel the safety and security of the earth beneath me. It helped me to know that it’s ok for me to exist as I am. The course did a tremendous amount for my self-worth and self-concept. I left the course feeling celebrated for all the different parts of myself, and understood with compassion for my shadow aspects. I have seen a big shift in areas of struggle I have in my life as I was able to open up with the group, unburdening deep toxic shame that was sewn into me through trauma. I must acknowledge here that a contributing factor as to why this course did so much for me is because of the work I have done leading up to it and alongside it. I was open, with personal discernment each step of the way, to the medicine of the land, the practitioners and the experience.

During the program I admitted to the course facilitators that I was experiencing some triggers related to trauma I have experienced. The facilitators fully heard and validated my experience. I also had a time where I fed back directly within the group something I would like more of (time for creative art doodling or writing), and the facilitators again made me feel heard and took the feedback without any sense that I was stepping on toes. They were humble people with a sense of being “in service” to the group as opposed to projecting a taught/learnt form of “help” onto a group. There is a completely beautiful piece of writing (just one page) called “In the Service of Life” by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, that I would love for you to read. I would also like to share a part of my poem “Takes a  Village” here that touches on service:

Who can find it as their purpose,

To support those tortured in this system so torturous.

Who can find their way to support,

Without in their own vanity getting caught?

Careful, your boundaries don’t fall into egoic self-indulgence,

Don’t wish your soul a condolence,

Check in with your conscience,

Don’t let this society lead you into arrogance,

The only route that will take you where they promise

Is to find your life of aligned service,

Where it serves you to serve them,

You ain’t helping no one whilst you project them as the problem,

Service that’s aligning,

It’s a life that’s spiritually climaxing

This part of the poem is a cry out to people to not make people who already feel burdensome feel worse. We have to find ways to support each other where we do not resent or patronize those we support. The act of caring is a skill that takes years to develop, and is different for every person, community and culture. People engage where it feels safe to. We as people, as community, are responsible for creating care systems in direct relationship to the care people need, not the care that academics, researchers or professionals with unconscious bias assume. We will all be so grateful for this approach when it is us who need care. Adrienne Marie Brown has written at great length about the cultures of care within community and relationships in her Emergent Strategy series, which I highly recommend everyone to read who is interested in community care and development. I continue to learn so much from Adreinne’s books and video talks.

It was incredible to have the circle held by Aggie and Eleanor, who could share their own vulnerability whilst simultaneously exuding trauma-informed care and language and hosting a structured program of considered trauma-informed well-being activities. I feel a deep, eternal sense of gratitude towards them both for not only my experience of the course but also in acknowledgement of the self-work and journeys they have been on up until this point that meant they were able to hold such a safe and life-changing space for other participants, too, who voiced the profound beneficial effects they also experienced on this program.

The land. Oh the land! What an absolute privilege to be able to do this course in such a beautiful woodland. Since doing the program, I have felt deeply connected to Tallis Wood. Whilst touching on deep topics within the program, I would allow my eyes to glaze over the woodland around us, staring up as the trees met with the sky, feeling the sun shine through the trees onto our faces, whilst the fire warmed us through from below. I even liked using the compost toilet, it made me laugh that I’d always go to flush, forgetting it was a wood shavings situation. Being immersed in nature for five hours straight, once a week, in itself was life-changing.

And then there’s the food! At each session, Eleanor made one big pot of warming dahl, curry, soup, tagine and other meals, which was heated on the fire alongside cous cous, wraps, naan or bread, all served with optional fresh coriander, Himalayan sea salt and chilli flakes. After a morning of being outdoors in November/December we were so ready for a warm meal by the fire. Sat together we ate feeling grateful for the food and people to share it with. The course would not be the same without it. A home-cooked, nurturing meal shared with good people felt like medicine to the soul.

It was such beautiful timing that towards the end of the program the Canalside Community held a Winter Festival where families and community came together around a big bonfire, with morris dancing and lovely food, hot drinks and large spaces to play for the children as well as crafts. The Canalside Community, based at Tallis Wood, is an organization that uses a large area of land used to grow organic produce and provide organic food boxes for the local community at a monthly cost. The Canalside Community are open as a social membership too where you can volunteer on the land and be a part of the social events alongside other benefits.

ARC hosts a range of other events and activities. On Tuesdays, there are drop-in nature well-being sessions held at Foundry Wood in Leamington Spa. They do family nature sessions, sessions for women who have sadly experienced baby loss, community gardening sessions each week, and other activities. Check out their website or contact the organization, and you can get on their newsletter mailing list where lots of up-to-date information is regularly shared.

The amount of other sessions that ARC provides is part of what continues to make the Tallis Wood course so wholesome. Whereas with many other NHS therapies, once therapy has finished it can feel like your dropped of the edge off of something, with ARC there are always spaces at the moment for people to have somewhere in nature to go to be around caring people and nature with teas and snacks provided. All of this ARC provides for free to participants with an open donation pot if people can. In a society full of long waiting lists and short programs of care, ARC has built a sustainable way of supporting people with long-term accessible care and are always open and building on ways to improve and organically expand this. I would love to see ARC’s effect spread to other parts of the country as I know this type of support is needed everywhere, in my opinion, ARC is a template that other organizations and community practitioners could learn from and implement into their own communities.

I recently visited a drop in Foundry Wood well-being in nature session and got so much out of sitting by the fire again. I noticed how much lighter I felt after. It was a joy to pick my son up from school and spend some quality time at the park with him, listening to him laugh, watching him smile, and feeling present in it all.

Simultaneously, ARC, and all other organisations rely on funding and donations to keep providing this vital support, helping the community doesn’t often make a profit, so in a capitalist society every community organization is fighting for crumbs to keep going. I would love to see this change in my life time. I would love to see a world where the well being of people is seen as valuable by those who hoard resources and power.

If you do happen to be reading this and would like to support or need support from the organization please contact them here Contact Us - ARC CIC

My experience of the Tallis Wood course wouldn’t have been the same without the people I met on the course. It was amazing to build that trust and support between each other and I will always hold your journeys in my heart and wish the very best for you, as I felt you wish for me. I’m so grateful for the affirmative kind words, tears, energy, laughter and joy we shared.

Below are the poster for the course I completed, for recent information head to the website / newsletter